A playdate today with Nolan. Some endearing moments where you each spontaneously show just absolute affection for one another. My heart heavy watching you two, knowing it’s all coming to an end, and that we won’t see your little friend grow up alongside you anymore. We will miss No-No very much. What are you going to do without your handsome little happy-go-lucky sidekick??? We will get lots of playtime in before he leaves.
The very last photo here, Heather just arrived and snuck in behind me while I was shooting and Nolan is jumping out of the car to see Mommy. That look on his face every mother can identify with.
“I love you” I tell you. “Wa you” you say back. “Who else does Mommy love?” I ask you, expecting a reply such as “Daddy”. “Michael!” you announce with a sparkle in your eye. (Michael works with me and you hear me talking to him on the phone throughout the day.
In the bathtub, or reading night time stories, you will tell Daddy “Daddy go”. I explain that’s not very nice and you’ll hurt daddy’s feelins. “Wa you” you tell him, planting a kiss.
Songs you can sing: Happy Birthday (voice breaking at the ‘to you’ part, very sweet). Patty Cake, Bubble Gum, Bubble Bubble Pop, Rain Rain Go Away (not that we have rain, though you do have a new umbrella, just ready for it in fall).
First TV show you are interested in is Thomas the Train.
When you don’t know someone’s name, you point to the person and ask me “Name?”
Favorite color is still pink, hands-down. (It’s also Nolan’s favorite color, his parents think it’s your influence.)
Indispensable:
Blue train shirt from Billy Jones Railroad (chee chee shirt)
Abby (lovey doll who is dragged everywhere, and is light colored and hence, always needs a ‘bath’. I can never find the right time to snatch her from your grasp).
Thomas the train
Bad habits:
Coming into bed in middle of night and thrashing around, waking mommy and/or daddy.
Skinny dippying — even at waterpark or with friends over at your pool. ( I think you’ll grow out of this…. it’s rather cute). “I nakee” you announce proudly. (Or if mommy or daddy are getting out of shower, “daddy nakee!”.)
Refusing afternoon naps (usually when Mommy’s trying to put you down on weekends or Fridays).
New this week:
Train table set, purchased for a steal on craigslist. This morning you actually woke up and went to play with your ‘train table’, letting mommy and daddy sleep a bit longer.
Purple bicycle from Nana with training wheels.
Pink electric smartcar with operating pedal that goes forward and backwards. Okay, so no big birthday presents for you! It was too good a deal to turn up, and you loved playing on one at Mia’s birthday. Tonight, you and Abigail rode in it together and had lots of fun. You let her drive it, and you chased her around on your tricycle, whamming into her like bumper cars at the fair.
I’m thinking about how much my life has changed since becoming a mom 16 months ago, to this day. What an incredible moment, a day that forever changed who I am, how I think, what I do with my time, what I live for. Sometimes, many times, it’s not so easy. Jumping between client or vendor phone calls and meetings, project launches, playing with Taite, prepping a lunch or dinner, playdates, other appointments (doctors, dentists, physio for foot, haircuts etc), writing proposals, paying bills, Taite waking from a nap, laundry, dishes and just trying to keep up with … life.
My mom told me a story about my grandma, Taite’s only Great Grandmother, who suffers from senior dementia. She was waiting by the door of her long term care center to ‘go home’. When my Uncle Bob arrived after a call, he asked what home she was waiting to go to, that she had had lots of homes. She replied, “The home with Jack (first husband) and Pattie (my mom), Bobby, Marianne and Kris, where everyone was together. That’s where I want to go.” Where she was needed, I thought, when I had heard the story. What a switchback life can deal us in the end. I am SO happy to be busy and needed. I know there will be a day when Taite is too busy to call home or visit us. Sooner than I can imagine, I hear. Will I be like my grandma one day, looking back and wishing I had a young family again to ‘keep my busy’?
It’s hard to see the forest for these redwoods.
I think about the full cycle. I can see it now, I could not before Taite. My mom. Myself as Taite’s mom. Will Taite have children one day? My mom will pass on one day. It will be so hard to deal with that and I know I will be a terrible mess. I will pass on one day and I won’t be here for Taite. How will she be? Who will be there for her? Somber thoughts, especially as she will be an only child (I’m turning 45 this year).
What is this cycle?
It’s motherhood.
And it comes with all the giggles and laughter, the angst and the fears and heartbreaks, the never being worry-free or well-rested again (it seems, although at least now Taite’s sleeping through the night).
It also comes with things like the look of absolute glee in Taite’s face as I chase her down the hall in her walker, playing hide-and-seek — the giggle of delight as this Tickle Monster catches her and, with big, wild eyes she shrieks in excitement. It’s such a small thing and yet… it’s such a huge thing. I hope I’ll always have this memory. And of rocking her to sleep, just in my arms, holding her much longer than the time it takes her to fall asleep, holding her more for my sake than for hers. Feeling almost more love than my heart can hold.
This cycle is about knowing that my mom must have felt this too, with me and my sister. Knowing that she, too, had difficulties and challenges in her life at the time, being far from home in England, not working, not having running water or a refrigerator, and little money. Motherhood. It’s the being there, the everyday, through the challenges, whatever they are, and raising a child with your deepest love and giving her the values and start in life that only you can give her. It’s the playing side by side, the being in the moment, and knowing there are dishes and laundry and emails and yet, it’s not what she’ll remember. I have work pressures with my business, and when I feel stressed, I have to remind myself, “Anybody can do that work. Only I can be Taite’s mommy.”
And how lucky I am. To have Taite, and to be able to spend half my working days with her. And to have my mom, and the incredible love and values that she instilled in me.
