You are walking very well all of a sudden. It took you a while to get the hang of it, but as a result, you seem pretty sure-footed. Sometimes you keep your arms up in the air as if we’re there leading you along. Looking a bit Frankenstein monster-ish when you do that…
Boo…playing house
You rarely fall, I think because you took your time getting going, maybe you have more stability. Before getting to the step down into the dining room, you stop, plunk down on your bottom, and turn to go down safely.
I had to try hard not to laugh tonight, putting you to bed. You were quite unsettled for some reason, and after I came back in to try to comfort you a bit, you stood up in your crib, and started waving goodbye to the clock, and then turning slightly, you waved to the nightlight. We often read Goodnight Moon, and in the book, they say goodnight to the things in the room. So you cleverly decided to say good night to the things in your room!
You have many words now, among them, (in no particular order): Dog Duck (your yellow duck in pool or pink bathtub duck) Dada Mama Caa (for Butterball the neighborhood Cat) Owww Brr (Brittany) Bebe (for your dolls) Park Potty (you told me this yesterday as I was putting you in your crib. I put you on the potty and you promptly crawled off, scooted out the bathroom door, turned around and sat on the hallway hardwood floor and pee’d!) Poop Pop (when toast pops you say this)
Signing: Cheers (clinking glasses with us at meals) All done (rubbing hands together after meal) Up (pointing up)
You often practice inflection, raising your eyebrows as you say something, looking at us to see if we got it. You can also get frustrated when you don’t get what you want, you will arch your back and scrunch up your face. Sometimes I’ll smile or just stroke you to calm you and you soon give me a little impish smile, sometimes even a little laugh.
Today was your 15 month checkup and more vaccines, including chickenpox. You screamed as they jabbed three needles into your thighs, but a few minutes later when we emerged from the room, you were quiet and calm, but with tears running down your cheeks. The nurses and doctor commented on how good you were, not even crying. Then you got to choose a toy as a treat from the treasure chest… you went for the little yellow duck. You are drawn to little yellow ducks!
I’m thinking about how much my life has changed since becoming a mom 16 months ago, to this day. What an incredible moment, a day that forever changed who I am, how I think, what I do with my time, what I live for. Sometimes, many times, it’s not so easy. Jumping between client or vendor phone calls and meetings, project launches, playing with Taite, prepping a lunch or dinner, playdates, other appointments (doctors, dentists, physio for foot, haircuts etc), writing proposals, paying bills, Taite waking from a nap, laundry, dishes and just trying to keep up with … life.
My mom told me a story about my grandma, Taite’s only Great Grandmother, who suffers from senior dementia. She was waiting by the door of her long term care center to ‘go home’. When my Uncle Bob arrived after a call, he asked what home she was waiting to go to, that she had had lots of homes. She replied, “The home with Jack (first husband) and Pattie (my mom), Bobby, Marianne and Kris, where everyone was together. That’s where I want to go.” Where she was needed, I thought, when I had heard the story. What a switchback life can deal us in the end. I am SO happy to be busy and needed. I know there will be a day when Taite is too busy to call home or visit us. Sooner than I can imagine, I hear. Will I be like my grandma one day, looking back and wishing I had a young family again to ‘keep my busy’?
It’s hard to see the forest for these redwoods.
I think about the full cycle. I can see it now, I could not before Taite. My mom. Myself as Taite’s mom. Will Taite have children one day? My mom will pass on one day. It will be so hard to deal with that and I know I will be a terrible mess. I will pass on one day and I won’t be here for Taite. How will she be? Who will be there for her? Somber thoughts, especially as she will be an only child (I’m turning 45 this year).
What is this cycle?
It’s motherhood.
And it comes with all the giggles and laughter, the angst and the fears and heartbreaks, the never being worry-free or well-rested again (it seems, although at least now Taite’s sleeping through the night).
It also comes with things like the look of absolute glee in Taite’s face as I chase her down the hall in her walker, playing hide-and-seek — the giggle of delight as this Tickle Monster catches her and, with big, wild eyes she shrieks in excitement. It’s such a small thing and yet… it’s such a huge thing. I hope I’ll always have this memory. And of rocking her to sleep, just in my arms, holding her much longer than the time it takes her to fall asleep, holding her more for my sake than for hers. Feeling almost more love than my heart can hold.
This cycle is about knowing that my mom must have felt this too, with me and my sister. Knowing that she, too, had difficulties and challenges in her life at the time, being far from home in England, not working, not having running water or a refrigerator, and little money. Motherhood. It’s the being there, the everyday, through the challenges, whatever they are, and raising a child with your deepest love and giving her the values and start in life that only you can give her. It’s the playing side by side, the being in the moment, and knowing there are dishes and laundry and emails and yet, it’s not what she’ll remember. I have work pressures with my business, and when I feel stressed, I have to remind myself, “Anybody can do that work. Only I can be Taite’s mommy.”
And how lucky I am. To have Taite, and to be able to spend half my working days with her. And to have my mom, and the incredible love and values that she instilled in me.
You can now take about 5-6 steps on your own. You’ll stand with good stability, and when we back up and hold out our arms to you, saying "Come here, come here, come here" you start ambling towards us.
You love playing hide and seek. In your walker you run down the hallway, and then chase after me. I hide behind the couch, or behind the wall near the door, or behind the table, and each time you return to the living room looking around with the look of expectation. When you spot me, a big grin covers your face before you turn and dash back down the hall for me to chase you.
You are super good, but if there’s something you’re not supposed to touch, and you’ve been told, you will look at it, shake a finger side to side and look up at me. I distracted you from playing with the humidifier in your room, and later that day when Brittany was with you, when she went close to it, you wagged your finger at her.